


Arsonist's Lullabye

by QuentinFuckingColdwater



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: All of the Avengers do, Angst, Background hurt Natasha, F/M, Gen, Generic mission, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, Just a first, M/M, May turn into Stony, Mild Language, Not Iron Man 3 Compliant, Not a death fic, Panic Attacks, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Child Abuse, Past Drug Use, Post CATWS, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre AoU, Pre-Slash, Rhodey Is a Good Bro, So much angst, Steve is kinda a dick, Those ships are mainly background sorry guys, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Still Has Arc Reactor, but he has good intentions, past suicidal ideation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-03 17:43:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8723158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuentinFuckingColdwater/pseuds/QuentinFuckingColdwater
Summary: After a mission gone wrong that left one Avenger into a coma, Steve unloads his anger on Tony. Stark realizes he can never do anything right and he hits rock bottom hard.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a night so please forgive any errors. Feel free to point them out to me so i can correct them ASAP

"You're such a martyr."

"I am _not_ ," Tony argued, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, you are. 'Oh no, I spent a few million of the _billions_ of dollars I own to outfit a team who routinely _save the world_. Oh no, Loki destroyed two floors in my tower. Whatever will I do?! Oh no, I spilled coffee on my thousand dollar tie.' Natasha could have died because of you, Stark. She's the one in the infirmary, in a coma, not you. You're fine and dandy because nothing ever gets to you."

"No, that's..."

"It's true. Don't you dare deny it. Maybe that shrapnel did something to damage you in some way that you can't see, but everyone else can. Everyone agrees with me." He gestured broadly at the other Avengers in the room.

"Bruce?" Tony asked, ashamed when his voice cracked. His fellow scientist refused to make eye contact, instead staring out the floor-to-ceiling windows. "Feathers?"

Clint clenched his jaw, not sure of what to say. "Nat almost _died_. You don't...don't feel anything at all. How are you not panicked or falling apart or hurt? It's your _fault_."

"I..." At a rare loss for words, he let his arms fall to his sides, hands dangling, fingers twitching for something, _anything_ to distract him. The floor seemed to tilt under his feet and Clint's voice grew hazy, almost staticky, a sure sign that _it_ was happening again. But it couldn't, not right now. He had to stay, to listen to them, to understand how he'd failed and how he could do better.

"You were supposed to have her fucking back." The archer's anger was evident in every word that he bit off, one step away from swinging his fists. "But you had your own plan, like always, and you couldn't fucking share it with us. We're a _team_. Or at least the rest of us are."

"Communication is key in being a team," Bruce put in calmly, though a hint of green sparked in his eyes, magnified behind glasses that threatened to slide down his nose. "You made a judgement call and failed to let us know..."

"What, I can't call any of my own shots?"

"Not if it's going to end in someone almost dying."

"Natasha's going to be fine."

"Yeah, this time." There was less patience in his voice and he took off his glasses and shook his head once, twice. "What about next time? Does there have to be a next time? Does someone have to die for you to realize that you can't keep doing this?"

"You okay, Banner?" Rogers laid a hand on his shoulder, careful to keep his movement slow and deliberate. "Do you need to...?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." Bruce stood shakily, steadying himself against the granite countertop. He walked off quickly, a slight hitch in his stride, his shoulders hunched as if against a gale-force wind.

Clint hopped up, as if to follow him.

"I can handle locking myself in," the doctor said tiredly, not even turning around.

"There's no 'I' in team."

"What was that, Stark?" Steve demanded, his voice low and dangerous.

"Nothing."

"Sir said 'There's no 'I' in team', Captain," JARVIS supplied helpfully.

"Traitor," he sighed, rolling his eyes toward the ceiling. "I was just saying that we should all go with Bruce, since we shouldn't do _anything_ on our own. Let's start doing team bathroom breaks and showers. I've heard that's a real bonding experience. I'll wash your back, you can wash mine..." Tony knew he was rambling, but the closer he got to losing control, the less he used his judgement and the more he blindly flailed for any semblance of _himself_.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Language, Capsicle," he snarked, though his heart was clearly not in it.

"Is this a joke to you? Is everything a fucking joke?"

"Not everything. For example, I've never made a joke about your mother..."

"You got all of your father's faults and none of his goodness. At least Howard gave a damn about people, about _me_. He risked his life to save Bucky. You aren't a quarter of the man he was."

If Steve had been looking closely, he would've seen the light go out behind Tony's eyes."I have to go...do something."

"You can't keep running away from everything," Steve shouted after him.

He kept his head held high and shoulders squared as he walked away, refusing to look weak even though he was crumbling into jagged pieces on the inside. As soon as he was in the confines of his workshop, he ordered Jarvis to lock the doors and tint the glass. "Don't let anyone in here. Especially not Rogers."

"Sir, you are showing the signs of a panic attack."

"Not now, J."

"Sir..."

"Jarvis, leave it be or I'll override you."

"Yes, sir. If I may..."

His hands pressed over his arc reactor, Tony manage to gasp out," Blackout protocol. Now."

Time slowed to a standstill as his heart seemed to struggle to beat. Black dots danced in front of his eyes and then he was kneeling on the floor, face to face with a castoff suit of next generation armor he'd abandoned before the last mission. "Natasha...I'm sorry," he wheezed.

All of the oxygen in the world wouldn't be enough to fill his lungs and though the rational part of his brain knew better, he felt like he was dying. That he'd gone through the portal and the last year had been an oxygen-deprived hallucination but now he was dying for real.

How could the team, _his_ team see him as heartless?

And how could Steve think his father was a good man?

How couldn't he have _seen_...?

Maybe it was his fault, like his father had insisted between throwing punches. Maybe he _had_ destroyed his father's life, made his mother take to drinking and pills. Something about his was poison; look what he was doing to the team right now...

Bruce had locked himself up, Clint was pissed to the point of recklessness, Natasha was _hurt_.

Steve was the leader and Tony...Tony was nothing. Frankly, they didn't need him. Anyone with the adequate training could don one of his suits and be Iron Man. Or Iron Woman. Iron Girl? Iron Maiden? Whatever. Add to that giving over control of part of his wealth to the team, a tidy lump sum of, say, several million dollars to each of them, with an account set up for the Avenger's future expenses. If he left the rest to be given to the various charities he currently donated to...

Pepper. He could never repay her for everything she'd done for him and all he had put her through over the years. Tony'd bought her a penthouse condo in Manhattan when she and Happy had gotten engaged and another in Seattle that he'd never gotten around to giving her the keys to. Honestly, he'd been expecting her to put in her resignation for years...

"J," he whispered, struggling to push past the lump in his throat," I need you to write an email to Rhodey."

"Of course, sir."

"I want him to take over for me as Iron Man. Or he can stay War Machine, whatever. I just...I can't do this anymore. The team can't function with me..." A jagged sob worked its way out of his chest, shooting a dart of pain through his chest and down his left arm. "I'm not good..."

"Do you want me to include that in the email?" If Tony had've been able to focus on the A.I.'s voice, he would've heard concern and sadness and something akin to fear.

The genius laughed harshly, his hands curling into fists. "No. I don't. Just the bare bones of what I said before. He's welcome to take over for me, the team needs him."

A cold breeze blew down from the vent above him and he realized he was _crying_. His knees gave out and he fell to the bare concrete, slamming down on his left elbow with a sharp crack.

"I need a drink, J."

"Sir, you've been sober for three months, two weeks..."

"Six days and 11 hours," Tony interrupted. "I know. I can't help it; I miss it."

The pain in his chest wasn't abating. If anything, it was getting worse. He tugged his t-shirt over his head so he could stare at the arc reactor. Was the glow flickering? "Oh God, oh God." Obie's voice echoed in his mind, the grating arrogance and lack of any remorse striking Tony anew.

"I should've died. I should've died. I shouldn't be alive. Natasha should be okay." It was a litany, the closest thing to a prayer he had said since his mother died, and his attempt to ground himself.

"Sir, please allow me to contact Ms. Potts," JARVIS begged.

Tucking his arms around his torso, Tony shook his head violently. "I should've _died_."

Breath.

"Howard was _right_."

Breath.

"Steve is _right_."

Breath.

"I want to d..."

The unmistakable wail of the Tower's alarm jolted him to his knees. Scenarios were flooding through his mind even before JARVIS pulled up camera feeds from around the city, and he felt a momentary sense of clarity and _purpose_. A holograph of Steve appeared over his work bench, the soldier's face pinched in anger. "What the hell are you doing, Stark? We got two Enhanced on the Brooklyn Bridge...Tony?" His voice rose in shock as he took in his teammate's appearance. "Tony, are you...?"

"I'm fine. My suit, J."

"Sir, you're not in any condition to be..."

"Bruce and Nat are out of commission. Barton's emotionally compromised and I'm needed out there. My suit. Now."

The individual pieces of armor encased him; the chest plate pushed painfully into his sternum and his elbow felt bruised, if not broken. Steve's worried voice began to feed into his ear as the helmet closed over his head. "Mute," he ordered, trying to override the tremor in his voice and fingers. "Get me to the bridge."

"Your stress levels are far above even your norms and you are still showing signs of a panic attack..."

"Not. Now."

The A.I. went silent. "Just get me to the Enhanced. I'm sure I can deal with them before the others even get there."

"Yes sir."

"Is my will up to date?"

"Sir?"

"Just in case, J."

His HUD showed a newsfeed of the two Enhanced standing back to back on the road deck. They seemed to be wearing some sort of rudimentary armor made out of raw, tarnished metal and emblazoned with a red...something. An octopus?

He must've said the last bit out loud, because the image froze and zoomed in. "Sir, I believe that is the Hydra insignia." Jarvis brought up a matching image, pulled from the thousands of files Nat had dumped onto the internet after the Project Insight incident that he hadn't been invited to. Not that Tony blamed Steve; he would've probably ended up making the situation worse. He'd even had a hand in the design of the Insight helicarriers, so it was partially his fault, right?

Tony brought his suit to a halt a good distance from the two, because their powers were still unknown and he didn't have _that_ much of a death wish. "Hey, guys. You got a list demands or whatever it is that you supervillians have these days? Got some grievances with the Avengers?You should fax us a copy of your complaints and we'll see what we can do to settle this outside of the courthouse..."

"Maybe you should give them a chance to reply, sir," JARVIS put in over his private comm.

He fell silent with a bit-back sigh, but the two men didn't reply, or even look in his direction. "C'mon, guys. You're really going to ignore me? That's _real_ mature."

In the corner of his HUD was a projection of his vital signs. He noted that his heart-rate had evened out and he felt alive, more so than he had in the months since he'd given up alcohol. It was a feeling reminiscent of the time he'd been dying of paladium poisoning, where he hadn't given a damn about himself or any consequences and had tasted a twisted bastardization of freedom that came from running the razor's edge between life and death.

Like in college. He'd been so coked out most of the time that his memories of building Butterfingers and U were hazy at best, and he honestly couldn't remember if he'd actually attended classes the first half of his second semester. "Those were good times."

"Sir! Behind you!"

JARVIS activated the repulsors at full strength, pulling Tony from a hover to nearly top speed in a split second, but it wasn't enough. While the genius had been reminiscing about his days of carefree hedonism, the Enhanced had somehow created a giant funnel of water, taller than the bridge itself.

"That's adorable, kids. But the suit's waterproof," Tony taunted. The water hit him and the repulsors stuttered but didn't die; the pain in his elbow flared and stars danced behind his eyelids. "I need to..."

A new harsh sound filtered into his helmet, loud enough to make him wince even after the volume had been turned down. "What the hell is that, J?"

"I'm picking up something on the radar, sir. It seems to be..."

Tony shrieked as a mass of cloth and splintered boards filled his vision. "J!" was all he had time to scream before a goddamn sailboat's mast slammed into his back, freeing him from the water. "What the fuck...?"

The lens over his left eye was cracked and the HUD had gone offline, leaving him only the staticky voice of JARVIS reporting that power levels were dangerously low and he couldn't take another hit like that and keep airborne...

Steve's voice cut into the comms abruptly. "Tony! We're almost there! Just back off. You need backup..."

"I got this. I'm not letting anyone else get hurt."

"What about you? Please don't do this..."

His boot repulsors failed for a half second, and he dropped several feet as a shadow fell over him. "Tony, look out!" Steve shouted frantically. "There's a..."

Shipping container. About fifty yards above him and falling fast. There was no way he could move out of it's path in time, unless a miracle happened.

He wasn't that lucky. He never was. Not since he was a kid and Howard would get drunk and scream at Maria until she cried and started throwing the fine china. More than once, Tony had found himself in the way and he still had scars on his body .

And college...fuck... Drugs and drunken mistakes and overdosing on Rhodey's couch once and in the backseat of Ty's 911 Carrera a couple more...

"I don't know if I'm ready to die, J," Tony admitted aloud as a wall of steel, emblazoned with a white star on a blue field, eclipsed the sun.

"Sir, you are going to be okay. Focus on my voice. Tony!"

Breath.

Silence.

 "Tony, I need you to wake up. We need you, buddy." Deep breath. "We got the Enhanced. No thanks to your idiotic stunt." A warm, rough hand gripped Tony's and he was suddenly aware of how much  _pain_ he was in. Fiery fingers raced down his spine and settled in his elbow, his ribs, his temple.

"I need a doctor!" The hand holding his vanished and he found himself alone for the thousandth time in his life. 

Breath. 

Breath. 

Breat...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a death fic! I swear! Unless you can convince me otherwise *insert maniacal laugh*
> 
> Steve is talking out of anger. We've all said hurtful things when angry that we regret later.
> 
> Things will be better in the next chapter. 
> 
> I based the panic attack off of my own experiences with that and suicidal thoughts. I've had a couple near death experiences and only once have I actually wanted to die. It's super eye opening tbh 
> 
> Until next time, my dudes <3

**Author's Note:**

> I love Steve, I swear. I just have so many feelings after re-watching AoU and CACW and even though this fic ignores that they exist, I'm still emotional. 
> 
> Please leave kudos or a comment if you enjoyed this or have any questions/suggestions! I'm leaning towards Stony but I can be convinced to switch to another pairing.
> 
> <3


End file.
